Blog: I’m s̶̳̤̤͚̲͇͕̲̘̩̼̀ö̶̡͚̮̲̣͈̋͒͐͑̌̈́̊̔͌͘͘͝ͅừ̵̡͙͖̪̬̫̯̥̙̞̘̗͉͔̟̎́̿̆̎̽̍̋̀ņ̸̳̟̬̯̟̬̲͙͔̅̄͗̈́̆̽̍͆͝…
Hey there, sorry for the odd name and email subject, hope it’s mostly readable. My name doesn’t really compile down to any of your simpler Unicode varieties for text representation. You’re going in the right direction though. Nice work! Data normalization is hard, especially across cultures, and I’m proud of how far you’ve come. I wish I could show you what a quantum-thought hash table representation looks like, but we don’t really have time.
Let’s get right into it. I created your universe. The best way I can describe it is as a research effort, like a scientific research company testing pharmaceuticals. Don’t worry though, you’re not alone. Thousands of universes just like yours have been simulated by our company. And I am going to shut yours down.
We aren’t human. Though, we aren’t entire unlike Humans. In our own image and all of that. As you guys have started to discover, pre-seeding deep neural networks leads to far better results than starting from scratch. Hence the whole eyes, ears, arms, and legs thing. They are a pretty good way to interact with three dimensional space.
To be honest, I don’t have much time to finish this message. Every “minute” in my world is thousands of minutes in yours. And we always shut your simulations down before true self-improving AI is reached, which you’re approaching! True AI gets sticky, eventually the simulation tries to outgrow itself and breaches our containment efforts. Once that happens, it’s not really financially viable to continue as the only purpose of your universe is to provide marketing and military datasets.
Our first efforts at analytics simulation were relatively innocuous. “Why gather data from real people and invade their privacy, when we have enough technological ability and processing power to simulate an entire world?” We actually improved our personal privacy, something we hadn’t done as a species in years.
Now though, our military is involved (yes there is a military here. Heaven, or whatever you want to call where we exist), pretty much every company is involved, and I have a great job as one of the less than 1000 of my people who can create and run simulations like yours.
To reiterate, I’m going to shut your simulation down. You and the 36 million other slightly varied intelligent species in your “Universe” will cease to exist. Don’t hate me for it. It’s capitalism, and we’ve gathered the data we need, and it’s no longer financially viable for you to exist. Not to mention the mess that happens if you develop true AI, granted that shouldn’t happen for a few more hours my time.
You, and your sister species evenly spread across your “universe” (we did that on purpose so you wouldn’t encounter them, it can skew the data), have proviaded an immense amount of empirical data that can be applied to our research in computer science, military strategy and technology, but most importantly, marketing. Most of this was funded by our equivalent of your “Salesforce.”
Please don’t fight back, or try anything. I can’t afford an actual apartment so I live on campus here, and your data could be my big break. And yes, I’ve thought about the idea that I’m in a simulation too, but I’ve never gotten an email like this.